For all of the men who read this, you may not understand the Mommy Wars. Let me explain. Stay-at-home moms and career mothers sometimes debate on whose way is better. Stay-at-home moms say that children need one on one attention, which can only be achieved by giving up your career and being a mom full time. Career moms believe that women can only be all that they can be if they have a career outside the home. Then there are women who cut their hours back from their jobs and work part time or have a paid work-at-home job. And some women stay home when before their kids start school and go back to work when they are older. Which view is right?
Stay-at-home moms have unlimited time with their kids. They really get to know them and can adequately respond to their needs. When their child gets sick, they don’t have to ask for time off from their jobs to take care of their kids. They develop a close relationship with their child. When these women can find a balance between their families and their own personal lives, the child thrives. Sometimes women become isolated in their homes and can become lonely. Also, these types of moms can become so focused on their families that they neglect other areas of their own lives. Some moms have no life outside of their kids, which is not only unhealthy for them, but their children as well. In some extreme cases, these moms don’t allow their children to develop relationships outside of family because they have no life without their children.
So are career women better moms? Child care can be beneficial to children. They learn social skills, develop relationships with other adults besides their parents, and it prepares them for school. Some mothers have to put their children in full time day care, so they can learn English. It’s easy for career moms to not focus all of their time on their families, but do they neglect them? Career moms can sometimes become so obsessed with their careers that they do neglect their kids. Some moms are so frazzeled from work that they have to hire a baby-sitter to watch their kids. When moms always put their careers ahead of their kids, their kids start to believe that their moms don’t really care about them. Eighteen years is all that most women get to parent their kids and once those years are gone, they can’t get them back. If they spend all of that time on their careers, they never develop a relationship with their child. After they grow up, they may decide not to have a relationship with their moms, which is a real loss to these women. Also what will these women do when they retire when their whole lives were centered on their work?
Going to my old churches, I heard both sides of the story. When I lived in a small town, working moms looked down on stay-at-home moms because they felt they were too lazy to work. Their husbands only earned minimum wage and they had to work and put their kids in government day care to survive. Stay-at-home moms there really had to cut back on many things to afford staying at home. Then I moved to a suburb and stay-at-home moms looked down on career women as selfish and neglectful of their families. Their husbands made a lot of money and they could afford to stay at home. Many of those career women did work for self-interest rather than for money.
I used to think that all working moms were neglectful of their kids. In many of those families, the parents’ jobs, friends, and hobbies were a higher priority than their children. Children of stay-at-home moms behaved better than the children of these working moms in the small town where I lived. Their parents didn’t discipline them and many of them grew up and became aimless alcoholics who have no goals in life other than having fun at the bar. When I moved to the suburbs, I saw a darker side to the children of stay-at-home moms. I saw four-year-olds who didn’t know how to socialize with other children. Older children who would throw fits every time their mommy left. Some of these kids acted no better than the children that I worked with in day care.
Who is right? I have come to the conclusion that the best moms are the ones who find a balance between their personal life and their family life. While their families are a high priority, their hobbies and friends are not neglected. These women have personal goals that they want to achieve that are outside of their families, whether they have a career or not. Women also need to consider what is best for their families, regarding working or not. I feel that if their husbands don’t earn enough money to support them and their child and they can’t cut back on expenses, then they should work. On the flip side, if the child is disabled and requires extra care, and their husbands can earn enough for them to stay at home, then they should stay at home. The final conclusion that I came up with is that good and bad parents come from all walks of life. There are many great stay-at-home moms as well as bad ones. There are also many wonderful working moms and terrible working moms. It all depends on whether these women can find balance and consider the needs of their families.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Eat Pray Love Book Review
Oprah interviewed Elizabeth Gilbert a few months ago about her new book Eat Pray Love. Oprah promised viewers that if they read the book and followed it, it would change their lives. Then she interviewed other women who followed Gilbert’s advise and how much happier they were after reading the book. I was really intriqued and decided to read the book to find out if it would change my life.
Eat, Pray, Love is a true story about Elizabeth Gilbert’s life after she almost had a nervous breakdown. The story starts with her living with her husband and crying on the floor in her bathroom every night because she didn’t want to have children with him. Thinking that she would save herself and sanity, she left him and started a relationship with another man. This also didn’t take away her guilt or curb her panic attacks, so she decided to take a year off and travel to Italy, India, and Indonesia to find herself. By the end of that year, she gets better and has a peace in her life. She credits this by finding a balance between meditating and seeking pleasure and encourages women to do the same thing.
Women should only read this book as entertainment and not take it seriously because there are many flaws in Gilbert’s philosophy. This book wasn’t really about her finding a cure for her panic attacks or finding God, but about her finding a belief system to support her selfishness and not feel guilty about it.
Rather than communicating to her husband her fears about being a mom and trying to work things out with him, she leaves him. Then she can’t figure out why he ends up hating her and not even wanting to speak to her. In the meditation school in India, she learns to let go of her guilt over her failed marriage without acknowledging that she was wrong. I am not saying that she should lock herself in her bathroom and cry everyday because of her failed marriage, but I do think that she needs to admit that her actions caused him a lot of pain.
This sort of philosophy is nothing new because criminals do the same thing. The ones that admit that they committed their crimes always try to minimilize and justify it. Their victim had it coming to them. Or the victim’s family will eventually move on. They try to convince people that if society treated them better than they wouldn’t be forced to kill.
Their philosophy flies out the window because they can’t ever look at their victims’ families while they are in the courtroom hoping for justice.
Most of the adults that I know in my life have had disappointments. No one’s life turns out the way that they plan. Some people want to have a spouse, but can’t find one. Some people want children and can’t have them. And some people want a career and can’t get it. The vast majority of them don’t have mental breakdowns and make selfish decisions, but rather deal with their disappointments and move on. The people who I admire the most accept the life they do have and try to make the best of their circumstances. Even if they had the luxuary of taking a year off traveling, they wouldn’t do it.
I seriously wonder what Elizabeth will do the next time she is disappointed with life. Oprah showed viewers what Gilbert’s life is like after writing the book and I have to say it is pretty stress free. She works from home and doesn’t have to keep any set hours and pretty much does whatever she wants. Her philosophy is working because she doesn’t have any stress in her life. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she had a breakdown after dealing with a disability. She will either do that or permanently move to the meditation school and wish her disability away.
If life has no consequences, then yes her philosophy would work. The thing is life bites back. Selfishness is usually a sin that destroys relationships in the long term. Think about how you feel when you are talking to people who only talk about themselves and never ask how you are doing. I admit that I get to where I just avoid them because I get so tired of hearing about them and they don’t ever listen to me when I want to talk. In a more extreme example, lets say a young mom takes the advice of Eat Pray Love and decides to leave her children because she doesn’t enjoy taking care of them. Rather than admitting that she hurt her children, she tries to find all sorts of ways to justify her actions. Her children grow up and forgive her, but don’t want a relationship with her to spare themselves further pain.
Eat Pray Love should only be read for entertainment purposes because it is fun reading about foreign countries. If women want to find peace in their lives, they should accept that sometimes life comes with disappointments and learn to be unselfish. If they are feeling guilty, they should confess their sins to God or the priest and do restitution to their victim rather than indulging in recreational activities or meditating. Doing this isn’t easy, but it will bring you long term peace.
Eat, Pray, Love is a true story about Elizabeth Gilbert’s life after she almost had a nervous breakdown. The story starts with her living with her husband and crying on the floor in her bathroom every night because she didn’t want to have children with him. Thinking that she would save herself and sanity, she left him and started a relationship with another man. This also didn’t take away her guilt or curb her panic attacks, so she decided to take a year off and travel to Italy, India, and Indonesia to find herself. By the end of that year, she gets better and has a peace in her life. She credits this by finding a balance between meditating and seeking pleasure and encourages women to do the same thing.
Women should only read this book as entertainment and not take it seriously because there are many flaws in Gilbert’s philosophy. This book wasn’t really about her finding a cure for her panic attacks or finding God, but about her finding a belief system to support her selfishness and not feel guilty about it.
Rather than communicating to her husband her fears about being a mom and trying to work things out with him, she leaves him. Then she can’t figure out why he ends up hating her and not even wanting to speak to her. In the meditation school in India, she learns to let go of her guilt over her failed marriage without acknowledging that she was wrong. I am not saying that she should lock herself in her bathroom and cry everyday because of her failed marriage, but I do think that she needs to admit that her actions caused him a lot of pain.
This sort of philosophy is nothing new because criminals do the same thing. The ones that admit that they committed their crimes always try to minimilize and justify it. Their victim had it coming to them. Or the victim’s family will eventually move on. They try to convince people that if society treated them better than they wouldn’t be forced to kill.
Their philosophy flies out the window because they can’t ever look at their victims’ families while they are in the courtroom hoping for justice.
Most of the adults that I know in my life have had disappointments. No one’s life turns out the way that they plan. Some people want to have a spouse, but can’t find one. Some people want children and can’t have them. And some people want a career and can’t get it. The vast majority of them don’t have mental breakdowns and make selfish decisions, but rather deal with their disappointments and move on. The people who I admire the most accept the life they do have and try to make the best of their circumstances. Even if they had the luxuary of taking a year off traveling, they wouldn’t do it.
I seriously wonder what Elizabeth will do the next time she is disappointed with life. Oprah showed viewers what Gilbert’s life is like after writing the book and I have to say it is pretty stress free. She works from home and doesn’t have to keep any set hours and pretty much does whatever she wants. Her philosophy is working because she doesn’t have any stress in her life. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she had a breakdown after dealing with a disability. She will either do that or permanently move to the meditation school and wish her disability away.
If life has no consequences, then yes her philosophy would work. The thing is life bites back. Selfishness is usually a sin that destroys relationships in the long term. Think about how you feel when you are talking to people who only talk about themselves and never ask how you are doing. I admit that I get to where I just avoid them because I get so tired of hearing about them and they don’t ever listen to me when I want to talk. In a more extreme example, lets say a young mom takes the advice of Eat Pray Love and decides to leave her children because she doesn’t enjoy taking care of them. Rather than admitting that she hurt her children, she tries to find all sorts of ways to justify her actions. Her children grow up and forgive her, but don’t want a relationship with her to spare themselves further pain.
Eat Pray Love should only be read for entertainment purposes because it is fun reading about foreign countries. If women want to find peace in their lives, they should accept that sometimes life comes with disappointments and learn to be unselfish. If they are feeling guilty, they should confess their sins to God or the priest and do restitution to their victim rather than indulging in recreational activities or meditating. Doing this isn’t easy, but it will bring you long term peace.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
A Less Fearful Life
The Left Behind series used to scare me because I would really worry that I would be left behind in the Rapture. What if God decided that I wasn't in a close enough relationship with Him and decided to leave me behind in the Rapture and face the last seven years on Earth alone? The book of Revelations is really scary to read if you take it literally. In a way it would be a relief to die than to continue to live in a world like that.
I would watch movies with plotlines of a dystopia future and freak out because I would always think that there is some kind of merit to it. Even cheesy movies like The Day After Tomorrow and Million Dollar Baby. Or I would listen to environmentalists talk about global warming and be afraid.
Then I have other fears like going blind or becoming disabled. I worry about my husband dying and leaving me a widow or divorcing me.
Since I started looking for God and praying, I am living a less fearful life. For one thing, Catholics believe that we shouldn't focus on the future, but rather what we can do now. Sometimes Christians focus so much on the future because they don't want to live in the present. People who take the Rapture really seriously and give up their jobs and live in their basements waiting for Jesus to return waste their lives now. Especially if He doesn't return in their lifetimes.
Some of my fears are irrational, like the cheesy movies that I would watch. I realize that these kind of movies are based on the writers' view of the world rather than on facts. Sometimes writers want to influence the audience to think like them and they will exaggerate the movie to make their point. Movies are more exciting to watch and sell more tickets if many people get killed, raped, or become victimized and never recover than if there is no violence.
Other fears have gone away because I understand more about God. I know that God will be with me even if the worst happened. If He can be with a priest dying in a concentration camp, He will surely be with me. When God takes something that I love away, I know that He will create a greater good out of it. Somehow my sufferings will touch someone else.
Getting to know God is helping me face my fears with courage. My fears no longer cripple me and has taught me to put faith in something that can control the things that I can't.
I would watch movies with plotlines of a dystopia future and freak out because I would always think that there is some kind of merit to it. Even cheesy movies like The Day After Tomorrow and Million Dollar Baby. Or I would listen to environmentalists talk about global warming and be afraid.
Then I have other fears like going blind or becoming disabled. I worry about my husband dying and leaving me a widow or divorcing me.
Since I started looking for God and praying, I am living a less fearful life. For one thing, Catholics believe that we shouldn't focus on the future, but rather what we can do now. Sometimes Christians focus so much on the future because they don't want to live in the present. People who take the Rapture really seriously and give up their jobs and live in their basements waiting for Jesus to return waste their lives now. Especially if He doesn't return in their lifetimes.
Some of my fears are irrational, like the cheesy movies that I would watch. I realize that these kind of movies are based on the writers' view of the world rather than on facts. Sometimes writers want to influence the audience to think like them and they will exaggerate the movie to make their point. Movies are more exciting to watch and sell more tickets if many people get killed, raped, or become victimized and never recover than if there is no violence.
Other fears have gone away because I understand more about God. I know that God will be with me even if the worst happened. If He can be with a priest dying in a concentration camp, He will surely be with me. When God takes something that I love away, I know that He will create a greater good out of it. Somehow my sufferings will touch someone else.
Getting to know God is helping me face my fears with courage. My fears no longer cripple me and has taught me to put faith in something that can control the things that I can't.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Forgiveness is the cure for racism
I grew up in the late '80's and early '90's. Every year on TV, there would be a TV movie about a civil rights leader who fought for the rights of Blacks. In my school every year the teachers would talk about the Black man who was lynched in my town 60 years ago. I learned over and over again that racism was bad and racists were always evil.
I became an adult and moved to the city and met some Black people. Some of the ones that I met were not nice to me because of my race. They would make comments like "The company she works for only hires White people." "Girl, you need to get a tan." Of course those comments really offended me, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want people to think that I was a racist.
I hear stories from Whites whose family members were killed by Black people. I have even heard the Blacks guilty of crimes were acquited by a Black jury. Can you imagine the hurt and anger that they must feel because their loved one was savaely murdered and the killer doesn't even go to prison? Even though it isn't right, I can understand why they would hate every Black person that they see.
Then maybe the Black people who made those offensive comments had experiences like this. Maybe that is why they hate every White person they see.
I think that a new message about racism needs to be said. Rather than we have got to love each other and not hate. We need to forgive the people who hurt us, so we can find peace. I believe that the White guy whose relative was murdered will only find peace if he forgives the killer. By hating every Black guy he sees, his heart will only focus on his relative's terrible murder, rather than the good memories he has of her. This man will be unable to move on with his life until he forgives. In this aspect, Blacks are just like Whites because they can choose to forgive or choose to hate.
Imagine what the US would be like if this message was preached. Rather than a false tolerance there would be real healing between the races.
"It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned." St. Francis of Assisi.
I became an adult and moved to the city and met some Black people. Some of the ones that I met were not nice to me because of my race. They would make comments like "The company she works for only hires White people." "Girl, you need to get a tan." Of course those comments really offended me, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want people to think that I was a racist.
I hear stories from Whites whose family members were killed by Black people. I have even heard the Blacks guilty of crimes were acquited by a Black jury. Can you imagine the hurt and anger that they must feel because their loved one was savaely murdered and the killer doesn't even go to prison? Even though it isn't right, I can understand why they would hate every Black person that they see.
Then maybe the Black people who made those offensive comments had experiences like this. Maybe that is why they hate every White person they see.
I think that a new message about racism needs to be said. Rather than we have got to love each other and not hate. We need to forgive the people who hurt us, so we can find peace. I believe that the White guy whose relative was murdered will only find peace if he forgives the killer. By hating every Black guy he sees, his heart will only focus on his relative's terrible murder, rather than the good memories he has of her. This man will be unable to move on with his life until he forgives. In this aspect, Blacks are just like Whites because they can choose to forgive or choose to hate.
Imagine what the US would be like if this message was preached. Rather than a false tolerance there would be real healing between the races.
"It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned." St. Francis of Assisi.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
My view of poor people
It seems that many Americans think that poor people can be helped by giving money to them. On Oprah recently, a guy gave a homeless guy a million dollars and then followed him around with a camera to see what would happen. Most people would think that a year after the homeless guy got the money, he at least at least have a place to stay. It didn't happen that way because he wasted the money and didn't find a job. Of course, he is back on the streets again even though he was given a million dollars.
I would like to say that I was surprised, but I wasn't. Even homeless people have choices and can make their lives better if they chose to. This guy didn't choose to. Before he got the money, he would go in the garbage and collect cans to recycle for money and say that he doesn't want to get a job because he hates rules. Homeless people can stay at shelters for a time for free, if they are willing to follow a few rules. They can also participate in state and private job placement programs, if they are willing to go to work and work at these jobs. It isn't a whole lot, but if they do make these choices, they will eventually get off the streets.
This documentary teaches people that money won't always help poor people. The only way that we wouldn't have poor people is if someone makes all of their decisions for them, but they wouldn't be happy because they are not free. Allowing people to be free means that we allow them to chose to live under a bridge because they want to continue making poor choices.
Since God loves us more than I love humanity, I wonder if it breaks God's heart seeing people suffer because of their sins. God must have a lot of courage and love to not to always intervene when He knows that the people He loves are making bad choices that will hurt them later. He loves us so much He gives us our freedom, rather than making us mindless robots.
I would like to say that I was surprised, but I wasn't. Even homeless people have choices and can make their lives better if they chose to. This guy didn't choose to. Before he got the money, he would go in the garbage and collect cans to recycle for money and say that he doesn't want to get a job because he hates rules. Homeless people can stay at shelters for a time for free, if they are willing to follow a few rules. They can also participate in state and private job placement programs, if they are willing to go to work and work at these jobs. It isn't a whole lot, but if they do make these choices, they will eventually get off the streets.
This documentary teaches people that money won't always help poor people. The only way that we wouldn't have poor people is if someone makes all of their decisions for them, but they wouldn't be happy because they are not free. Allowing people to be free means that we allow them to chose to live under a bridge because they want to continue making poor choices.
Since God loves us more than I love humanity, I wonder if it breaks God's heart seeing people suffer because of their sins. God must have a lot of courage and love to not to always intervene when He knows that the people He loves are making bad choices that will hurt them later. He loves us so much He gives us our freedom, rather than making us mindless robots.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Don't give up....
I was baptized since I was fourteen. After I was baptized, I had all of these questions when I read the Bible.
What was church like for the first Christians? What did Jesus mean when He talked about marriage and divorce? Where can I find this goodness that I read in the Bible in my world? Why can't I just believe? Why do I still feel guilty for my sins after I have asked God to forgive me?
I would read passages in the Bible and not understand. And I would ask my leaders in the church but they either didn't want to talk about it or didn't give me an answer that would satisfy me.
When Jesus told the Pharisees that they would forever hear, but never understand because they have closed their ears and minds to Him. I panicked because I thought that I would never understand. I remembered praying to God asking Him to open my heart and mind so I could understand.
I have found some answers to my questions by leaving behind the beliefs that I was taught and embracing a new faith. It wasn't easy and I was afraid of going to hell for leaving my church. I was going to give up until a priest told me to keep looking for God until I find Him. I am so glad that I joined the Catholic Church because I have found some of the answers that I have been looking for.
I haven't found all of the answers. Sometimes I think that I will never understand who God is, but I want to understand so I don't give up.
What was church like for the first Christians? What did Jesus mean when He talked about marriage and divorce? Where can I find this goodness that I read in the Bible in my world? Why can't I just believe? Why do I still feel guilty for my sins after I have asked God to forgive me?
I would read passages in the Bible and not understand. And I would ask my leaders in the church but they either didn't want to talk about it or didn't give me an answer that would satisfy me.
When Jesus told the Pharisees that they would forever hear, but never understand because they have closed their ears and minds to Him. I panicked because I thought that I would never understand. I remembered praying to God asking Him to open my heart and mind so I could understand.
I have found some answers to my questions by leaving behind the beliefs that I was taught and embracing a new faith. It wasn't easy and I was afraid of going to hell for leaving my church. I was going to give up until a priest told me to keep looking for God until I find Him. I am so glad that I joined the Catholic Church because I have found some of the answers that I have been looking for.
I haven't found all of the answers. Sometimes I think that I will never understand who God is, but I want to understand so I don't give up.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Perserverence
Life is always easy on TV. There are the lawyers who just graduated from law school who are already wearing expensive suits and living in large homes. Or a guy who is supporting a family who lives in a large house in the city. Outside of TV, my guidance counselor said that all we had to do was to come up with goals to achieve and we would be successful.
What nobody tells you is that that there is a road that you must take to reach your goals. And you have to work hard. To earn a college degree, you have to apply for school and give the school your transcripts and take a standardized test. Once you get accepted to school, you must attend classes, write papers, and pass tests. Not only that, but you have to find a way to pay for classes. You only get your degree when you have finished your classes with an acceptable grade point average. It takes three to four and half years to get a degree, but on TV they just show a person who says she wants a college degree and then the next day she gets it.
When I went to school, there were many people who I knew who dropped out in the first semester. They couldn't manage their time between drinking and studying. Some people thought that since high school was easy college would be easy, and they didn't expect to have to study and go to class and write papers. I notice that people don't just have this attitude with college but also with marriage. Marriage isn't what many people expect and they quit when they realize this.
I have found that if a goal is worth achieving than it is worth working hard for it and perservering through trials to achieve your goal. Whether it is marriage or getting a degree, some things are worth fighting for.
What nobody tells you is that that there is a road that you must take to reach your goals. And you have to work hard. To earn a college degree, you have to apply for school and give the school your transcripts and take a standardized test. Once you get accepted to school, you must attend classes, write papers, and pass tests. Not only that, but you have to find a way to pay for classes. You only get your degree when you have finished your classes with an acceptable grade point average. It takes three to four and half years to get a degree, but on TV they just show a person who says she wants a college degree and then the next day she gets it.
When I went to school, there were many people who I knew who dropped out in the first semester. They couldn't manage their time between drinking and studying. Some people thought that since high school was easy college would be easy, and they didn't expect to have to study and go to class and write papers. I notice that people don't just have this attitude with college but also with marriage. Marriage isn't what many people expect and they quit when they realize this.
I have found that if a goal is worth achieving than it is worth working hard for it and perservering through trials to achieve your goal. Whether it is marriage or getting a degree, some things are worth fighting for.
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